…and found a lot of things wanting.

by Daf Prys | @dafprys

Gav Murphy is a (very) proud Welshman which makes him pretty unique compared to most of his compatriots, being mostly a self-loathing and acquiescent bunch. So we we’re really looking forward to seeing RKG’s stream on St David’s Day with promises of fun Welsh stuff, such as little round cakes, beer and fun facts about Wales. However, what we saw was a pretty sordid scene, with some seriously hostile stuff going on; drunkenness, swearing and even bloody Welsh! It felt like being down the Llew Du on a Tuesday night. So we did the only normal thing anyone would do, we fact checked the whole damned thing.

Fact: ‘I think Wario gets a bad rep.’

Truth: Wario has antagonised the Mushroom Kingdom and others for over 20 years. He’s attacked Mario’s home, and attempted to annex The Mushroom Forest while consistently being a fat bastard in Mario Kart. We feel his rep is well attributed.

Fact: ‘Welsh is the oldest language in Europe.’

Truth: not remotely true, but close dependent on classification. What can be stated as true is that Welsh is the oldest written language currently in use today, if you ignore subdivision (Old Welsh, Middle Welsh etc.). That’s easily disputed with Old Norse, Irish and English with earlier examples, but also trumped by a mile by Armenian and Georgian. Also, Greek says hello. What this does mean though is that a Welsh speaker today could go further back in time than most and still understand the language. Way further back than Marty McFly anyway.

Fact: ‘Welsh is related to the Basque language.’

Truth: they’re not even in the same language tree, with Welsh being in the Celtic ‘P’ group and part of the larger Indo-European language family, while Basque is classed as an isolated language with no known connections. What the hell is the BBC employing these days?

Fact: ‘There’s no Welsh dialogue in video games.’

Truth: there’s an entire game in Welsh called Enaid Coll (Master Reboot). It’s by Wales Interactive which Gav even had the cheek to name check, the absolute bonce. There’s a dude in Dark Souls that says ‘Shwmae’ to you as you approach too, as well as The Witcher 2 and 3 – and Gwent – owing a massive debt to the Welsh language (which to be fair, they alluded to) and using many Welsh words. But, EVEN WORSE, somehow they missed out Assassins’ Creed: Black Flag the mad bastards. The protagonist, Edward Kenway from Swansea, is still the best pirate ever (I’m guessing longer than Errol Flynn too), and possibly the best Welsh character in anything. That game is mostly about singing and rugby tackling people too, so it might as well be in Welsh.

Fact: ‘The longest place name in the world.’

Truth: another ugly lie! The longest place name in the world is in New Zealand, with the aptly named Taumatawhakatangi­hangakoauauotamatea­turipukakapikimaunga­horonukupokaiwhen­uakitanatahu taking the crown. To be fair Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch is the longest place name in Europe so I guess we’ll let this one gogogogo.

Fact: ‘I’m not going to lie to you.’

Truth: doubtful, given the evidence.

Fact: ‘Owain Gyndwr controlled Wales.’

Truth: kinda. Owain Glyndwr raised armies, bent on Welsh independence, that marched on English forces during the early years of the 15th century. He made an absolute mess of it: didn’t bother with any naval forces, build any siege engines or use his alliances to any great effect. Essentially he just charged headlong toward the border like a decent, eager Welsh bastard.

Fact: ‘Fi’n mynd i ‘launchio’ ni, reit.’

Truth: 😀🤣😆🤣😆🤣😆🤣😆😀.

So there it is, the awfulness of it all. Hardly a sensible word spoken during a boozy two-hours. Pretty much as Welsh as it gets! See you next year?

dp

*For anyone not sure, yes, we’re taking the piss, we loved it and we can’t wait for next year. Dydd Gwyl Dewi hapus bawb!

**Also, we usually do Welsh-language stuff but do mess about in English now and again.